this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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