please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
