When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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