He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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