so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
