i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
