so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
