Can i not drive my cunt home
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
