My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
