I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
why do cheetos always look like penises
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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