I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
