Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
