he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
even my farts smell like vagina
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
