what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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