alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
