my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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