I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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