I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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