I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
