you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she smelled like a LAN party
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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