You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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