Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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