Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
