Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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