If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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