there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
