Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
