Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Randomize
