Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
