I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
