so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
