I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
