im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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