So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
