Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
