I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
