she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
