You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
