my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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