i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
