Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
