She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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