I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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