Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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