R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
