Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
