Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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