1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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