I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
