On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
